Sunday, February 8, 2009

No More Loafin' Around

Ya know that bread you get at restaurants that's so good that you can't stop eating it? You gorge yourself on it. You were hungry when you got there and you asked for some bread right away just to soothe the pangs.

The waiter brings the bread. It's warm
and fresh. Steam rises out of the basket. You pick up a slice, slather it with too much butter and take a bite. A little mound of butter slides off the side of the slice as if it were surfing down a melted golden wave that didn't soak in fast enough.

Your eyes close and you sigh to yourself as the planet stops spinning and time stands still. All is silent in the world, and for a moment you are sensuously in touch with nothing but the deep, yeasty saveur -- the crunch of the crust, the slight chew of the crumb, and the briny creaminess of the butter that's sumptuously melting off of your bottom lip.

That's what I did tonight for dinner, and I never left home! I finally achieved bread.

This was the best bread I've ever had in my life and I made it myself with nothing but all-purpose flour, water, salt, a tiny bit of yeast, and no kneading whatsoever. Unbelievable!

I made the dough last night before I went to bed. Must've been around midnight or so. I left it out on the counter at room temperature. When I looked at it again it was nearly 1:00 pm, 13 hours later. It was starting to look like bread! It had nearly doubled, but I wanted to make sure that it picked up every nuance of excellence that it could. After all, I've been working on this project for nearly two weeks.

About 4:30 this afternoon I pulled the soft, bubbly, living mass onto a flour drenched towel, shaped it into an elongated loaf, and let it sit for another two hours. It doubled again.

Following Jim Lahey's directions I placed a heavy walled Dutch oven and lid in to the oven for 30
minutes at 450 degrees F. Once the pan was hot I carefully (but not gracefully) lobbed the flour covered loaf into it, placed the cover on, and shoved it in for 20 minutes.

The hot covered container serves a couple of purposes.

The secret to amazing crust is steam. Commercial bak
eries that produce high quality European style breads often have ovens that automatically inject steam for the first half of the baking period. Without it you cannot develop good crust.

The enclosed blazing hot space of the Dutch oven holds in moisture from the dough and simulates the effect of the steam ov
en.

The bottom and sides
of the Dutch oven are so hot that the dough doesn't stick at all. The other incredible benefit of this process is that the searing hot surface duplicates the bottom of a brick oven for that old world taste and texture that is equally difficult to duplicate without the proper equipment. Plus, you get what some call "burnt" but quality bakers call "French sunshine" (you want this on this kind of bread).

The result of the whole process is a rustic looking loaf (maybe a little too rustic on this first attempt) with rich crackling crust, large chewy crumb with big holes, and a depth of flavor that cannot be described in words.

The best part -- anybody that can operate a measuring spoon can make bread just like this.

We paired the bread with some awesome barbecued chicken, some perfectly cooked haricot vert in a light mustard and shallot sauce, and capped it off with a dish of Mom's famous southern peach cobbler a la mode.

Daddy always said that, "Few black women and no white folks at all make peach pie like your mama." He was right about that...and I suspect he would've approved equally of the bread.

An hour or so after the cobbler dissipated I went after a couple more slices with some honey! I can hardly wait 'til breakfast.

(Unkle Chef is making some home cured bacon with some kickin' naturally raised pork belly from up the road a'piece. Check back next week for a collaborative BLT!)

Saturday, February 7, 2009

When Life Gives You Lemons...

I made a comment a couple posts ago about how people have been making bread since the beginning of time, so it can't possibly be too difficult.

Well, as it turns out...two weeks into my research on sourdough I haven't produced the first crumb of anything you could call "bread".
I have nearly as many different starters as Heinz has sauces (kidding), and I can't even make a cupcake.


Tell you what I did make though...


The current recession that has caused me (and a bunch of other folks) to be out of work going on three months has brought up a renewed interest in beans. Tonight I made a bangin' pot of chili with a leftover Latin-flavored pork tenderloin, some black beans, a can of Ro*tel spicy diced tomatoes, and a couple of chipotles. And, I quickly threw together what I shall call Sourdough Corn Blini.

They're too bread-like to be a johnnycake, too light to be called bread, too thin to be a muffin, too thick to be a pancake, and they are partially yeast-raised.
Thus, blini.

Here's the recipe:


1/2 cup Sourdough Starter
1/2 cup Flour
1/2 cup Cornmeal (we use white cornmeal in my part of the south)
1/2 cup Milk
1 Egg
1/2 tsp Kosher Salt
1 tsp Sugar
1-1/2 tsp Baking Powder


Mix all ingredients together to make a smooth, thick batter. Let set for 1 hour at room temperature or overnight in the fridge.

Heat up a griddle or skillet to medium heat, coat with melted butter, and spoon batter onto the surface like you're making pancakes. You can make them any size you'd like. Mine were nearly 3 inches across when they were done.

They should cook fairly slow, as they will rise to about 3/8" thick, and you want to be sure they cook through. Mine took about 3 minutes per side. If they're cooking too fast then turn the heat down a bit. They're best served right away!


These blini were just awesome with the chili I made. They were fairly light and fluffy with a slight sweetness and just enough cornmeal profile to make them taste "different", but not enough to make them taste like cornbread (which I don't care for). I had the last couple with some butter and some blueberry preserves that a friend had given me.

I thought that these things were so quick, easy, tasty, and neutral that they would be good with jalapenos and cheese folded in, maybe some chopped bacon and shallots, or even on the sweet side with some blueberries folded in. I might prefer dried blueberries to fresh, or even another dried fruit like cranberries or cherries!

Back to sourdough... I made this great video of the breadmaking process to share with you, but when the dough hadn't risen but about 10% in 16 hours I decided to pitch it and not waste your time with the video.

What I have done is gone to the Sullivan Street Bakery site and put together Jim's recipe for No-Knead Bread. This is what I was shooting for to begin with, but was using a modification to allow for sourdough starter instead of yeast.

Go to his site and check out the recipe. If I end up with bread tomorrow I'll let you know.

Damn, I'm starting to feel like I've spent 25 years of my life to get to the point where I know nothing. Maybe that's not a bad thing.

Cheers!

Sunday, February 1, 2009

PETA Bred?

WARNING
EXPLICIT LANGUAGE

If this guy doesn't offend you then keep reading...

I have sooo had enough of PETA. Seriously. Who in the fuck are these people? If you're just tuning in, it's People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

I totally get not clubbing baby seals. They're amazingly cute. They can't have much meat on them, and who would want a seal fur coat?

I used to live near the California coast and would often drive to a beach where you can view literally hundreds of elephant seals sunbathing. I dig the seals. There was another beach I frequented where it was not uncommon to see seals and otters playing and feeding in the surf just a few yards away from me. Cool!

But, I can also tell you that I knew some restaurateurs a
t Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco that loved seals like most people love pigeons or roaches. The place is overrun with the damned things. They're noisy and they make a mess. Tourists don't know any better - they think they're cute and they feed them constantly. They're like stray cats and raccoons. You can't get rid of 'em.

Honestly though, I've always lived in urban America where we have an absolute excess of everything a human being could possibly want. I've never wanted for anything and have at times been embarrassed in certain company over how fortunate we are as a culture. But what about cultures that aren't as fortunate as we are (which is most of the world)?

Have you ever seen a row of tomato plants and an igloo in the same picture? In all the photos and video footage you've seen over the years of Mt. Everest and the Himalayas how many gardens have you seen? How many vegetables have you seen growing out of those rocks and glaciers? How about west Texas, southern Arizona, New Mexico, the California High Desert, and the Sonoran Desert of northern Mexico. Ever been there? How many cacti and dried chilis do you think you could eat?

Do you know why people in Southeast Asia and remote Africa eat bugs? Because they have to. So, If I was starving and the only thing I could see for miles was snow, ice, and a baby seal I would beat that little bastard silly!

I suppose that it's okay that whaling is illegal in the U.S. Not sure I'd want to eat a whale. And I don't hunt because a) I could never shoot an unarmed animal. I love animals. And b) I don't eat game. But here's the thing. God made certain animals specifically so humans could eat them! Read the book! It's in there. Start at Genesis and make your way through to the New Testament. We're supposed to have complete and total mastery and control over animals, and WE'RE SUPPOSED TO EAT THEM!


In fact, here's how important this was to God (years before PETA); Noah was to take one pair of each and every land animal onto the ark, but he was instructed to take 7 pairs of each animal that had been designated by God for eating (they're listed later on in the book).

PETA even has a site devoted to proving that God and Jesus intended us to be veg-heads. Okay, but if you want to take the bible literally let's go back to the old testament where for a couple thousand years animals were senselessly sacrificed on a daily basis (in the church even) to please God and to atone oneself for one's sins and indiscretions.

Um...ever heard of "loaves and fishes"?

Here's the newest. According to PETA we're supposed to refer to fish as "sea kittens". We're supposed to stop eating fish. We're supposed to stop fishing, or "hunting sea kittens". Seriously? Adopt a fish? Give a fish new hope? There's even a little activity page where you can design your own sea kitten. There's little sea kitten clothes, and little sea kitten sunglasses...I wish they had a little sea kitten machine gun.

Give me a fucking break!


PETA suggests that by switching to a vegetarian lifestyle "you can save more than 100 animals a year". Alright, let's do the math.

Let's say that the 300 million people in our country stop eating animals tomorrow. By the beginning of February 2010 there will be more than an additional 30 billion animals roaming, shitting, and breeding in the United States alone.

Where should we put them? Are they to roam the streets like the anemic cows do in India? Ever seen one of these cows in the National Geographic. They're poverty stricken and malnourished too.
If Indians would get over the idea that cows are their long passed relatives and start slaughtering them for food, the largest population of starving people on the planet would be instantly well fed! Problem solved!

What would happen if we as a species stopped eating all animals for 10, 20, 30 years? Ever think about that? There's no birth control being practiced out there where the buffalo roam. Who do you think would be in charge of the world then?

PETA has a page devoted to saving chickens across America from a poor upbringing. The page is titled Kentucky Fried Cruelty. On the homepage Pamela Anderson (whore) is all dolled up (like a whore) in a video touting a ban on KFC. As far as I can tell she keeps her clothes on and her legs together in this video. Maybe she's pissed off because all the hormones are causing the birds' breasts to plump up bigger than hers (rubber and salt water).

She is joined on her Crusade of Stupidity by numerous other celebrities including Tommy Lee (Pam's ex john and porn partner), Richard Pryor (dead for 4 years now), the Dalai Lama (vegetarian, moot point), and Rev. Al Sharpton (need I say more?).

You wanna attack the slaughterhouses, feed lots, and poultry farms? Fine. Do it. Do it because they could do a better job, and because humans will benefit in the long run by having tastier and more nutritious food. There's a huge trend right now in holistic farming. Follow that, but don't tell me I shouldn't eat meat.

Altogether PETA has 66 different websites that specialize in a different angle to carry their message. Really...SIXTY-SIX! You can go here and count for yourself. Do you know of any company or organization that has (or needs) sixty-six websites to carry their message?

Here's one of the better ones...www.milksucks.com.

First line on the page:

"Have some … pus with your cookies? If you down a glass of cow’s milk, you will. It may be white, but researchers say that every cupful contains somatic cells, i.e., pus."


Jesus! So we're just supposed to drink water, juice, and soy-goddamn-milk, and eat roots, stalks, and leaves?

Comedian Ron White said it best I think:
"I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots."

Here's a website for ya -- how about www.peta-sucks.com.

What brought all this on?

PETA had a commercial
set for the 2009 Super Bowl promoting vegetarianism, but it got banned. It featured attractive, lingerie clad women using vegetables in provocative ways, with the tag line, "Vegetarians have better sex." They proudly make it available on their website here, along with their sarcastic rebuttal to NBC for rejecting the spot.

Their campaign is based on the concept (stated as a fact) that vegetarians make better lovers. Let me tell you something -- first of all the models they used for their commercial are not likely vegetarians. Second of all, I've dated a couple vegetarians. Great lovers they weren't. Something about being "meat shy" if you get my drift.

I wish I had a nickel for every customer I've cooked for that had special needs because they were vegetarians. "I can eat eggs, dairy, and fish." Guess what? Fish and cheese ain't vegetables. Eggs are chicken! And true vegans - another planet altogether. Hey, I'm not knocking it really. God knows my diet shouldn't support life at all. I can't remember the last time I ate a vegetable. All I'm asking for is the right to meals without persecution.

They've even got a cookbook..."Cooking With PETA". How about "Cooking With Pets"? Okay, listen...I love animals. I love my dog and have kept fish, snails, snakes, ferrets, turtles, rabbits, cats, birds, lizards, toads, and even a praying mantis once I think. I never ate one of them. And I believe strongly in adopting pets, closing down "puppy mills", spaying and neutering, rescuing injured or abandoned animals, and keeping pets indoors as much as possible. Pets are to be loved -- not eaten and not to be used as lawn accessories.

But God meant damn well for me to eat steaks, bacon, and cheeseburgers. He meant for ice cold milk from a cow to go with warm cookies. I love the AFLAC duck, but not as much as a steaming bowl of crispy Thai red curry duck. AFLAC this! And while Babe is one of my favorite movies, I rarely turn down an opportunity to eat a pig.

Sea Kittens? Fuck You!