What In The Hell Is Chocolate Gravy?

I don't know, but they sure lap it up in northeast Arkansas!

It's the end of another semester for students at Arkansas State University and exams begin tomorrow. To fuel the late night study sessions we put on a "late night" breakfast that couldn't be beat. I don't know how one would go forth and retain vital academia tonight, but they are certainly well fed.

From 9 o'clock to about 10:15 tonight we fed about 800 students sausage, eggs, bacon, ham, grits, hashbrowns, oatmeal, rice (Arkansas thing), pancakes, french toast, biscuits and gravy--and chocolate gravy. Imagine my mom's amazing chocolate cream pie filling (basically a chocolate pastry cream made with flour instead of cornstarch) thinned down a little and served warm. They gobbled up three gallons of the stuff and I made 3 more gallons on the fly. Wow!

We also put out a chocolate fountain. Anyone who went to a wedding in the 90's should be familiar with this foul appliance that features molten chocolate cascading down a series of tiers to drench spectator wielded skewers adorned with strawberries, pretzels, marshmallows, and the likes.

And, we did a "waffles and ice cream" bar that blew me away with lack of attendence. Who wouldn't drool over crispy hot waffles piled high with ice cream, chocolate sauce, whipped cream, and any number of your standard sundae toppings? The same people that pour warm pudding over a biscuit and call it heaven, that's who.

When I spent my externship summer on the Jersey shore I became addicted to waffles and ice cream at Seaside Heights on the boardwalk. Must be a northern thing.

Now chicken-n-waffles I totally don't get, but that's another story. I think that's a southern thing from a different South than I grew up in.

Anyway, I was going to tell you more about my journey to Arkansas, but I never got around to writing it, and the more I thought about it the less exciting it became.

There was a stopover in Memphis at the infamous Rendezvous rib joint. These ribs have been written about by every food writer that has ever visited Memphis, and I was inspired by them back in '99 myself. But in 2009 "the thrill is gone". Dry, not-so-meaty, tough, and over-priced.

Then there was a week in Pittsburgh where I failed to dine at one of America's most famous sandwich shops, Primanti Brothers, though I walked by it half a dozen times. Stupid.

I did stop into Essie's Original Hot Dog Shop and had what Gourmet Magazine once named America's 4th Best Hot Dog. It was #1 on my list so far! All the locals made fun of me for paying $6.00 for a hot dog, but what do they know? I'd do it again every time!

I asked my Pitt connection for good Italian within walking distance. He directed me about 6 blocks away (in the snow) to Joe Mama's, home of the 1/2 pound meatball. I had one...on a bed of the worst spaghetti I've ever had, tossed in the worst sauce imaginable. The spaghetti had been under-salted and over-cooked the day before, and then to add insult to injury they reheated it in a strainer held under running hot water out of the tap--and they didn't shake off the excess water. The big-ass meatball was pretty good though. Hell, who could hate a meatball the size of a baby's head?

The walls are covered with ubiquitous autographed head shots of celebrities that have graced the place since the 60's. I was seated next to a late 70's era (Jerry's hair was still black) promo shot of the Grateful Dead with the inscription, "Thanks Joe. Your pasta is to DIE FOR! - The Grateful Dead"

To warm up the cold pasta in my belly they brought me out about a pound-and-a-half of steaming hot white chocolate bread pudding swimming in melted white chocolate and bourbon. I told the server I would need to change my shorts. I didn't feel it necessary to tell her that I wasn't wearing any, but I thought about it. Coulda been the whiskey.

Other than the bread pudding and the Dead pic--and the cute college girls--Joe Mama's sucks!

So now I'm back in Arkansas and I absolutely love my new job! After a life of fine-dining and food snobbery I find it a far more exhilarating challenge to make school food look and taste good! If you'd have told me 20 years ago where I'd be today I'd have laughed--just before I pulled the trigger. But knowing what I know now I wouldn't be anywhere else!

Check back soon...there'll be some good ones come from this!

Oh, did I tell you I saw Elvis sitting at a bus stop in front of Graceland on my way through Memphis? Next time maybe.

On The Road...Again

I am happy to report...no...THRILLED...to report that I have left my home town of Charlotte, NC once again! On my birthday, April 6, I began as Executive Chef at Arkansas State University in Jonesboro, Arkansas.

Jonesboro is the 5th largest city in Arkansas and one of the most progressive. We are in the northeast corner of the state about 70 miles from Memphis, Tennessee. Nestled among hundreds of thousands of acres of rice, corn, cotton, and soybeans, Jonesboro is a home to Riceland Foods (the world's largest rice grower and manufacturer) as well as many other well known companies. Nestle and Frito Lay also have a large presence.

I work for Sodexo, one of the largest contract foodservice companies in the world. I must say that so far I am quite impressed with my company's commitment to excellence and to its employees. They've sure been nice to me!

Arkansas State has a student population of around 11,000 and specializes in agriculture, but offers a comprehensive list of education programs and has an active athletic program.

As is usually the case with my many travels and relocations, I have spent some time during the move checking out some well known eateries and getting my fill of yummy Americana.

My last couple nights at home featured mom's amazing chocolate cream pie and a goodbye dinner with half a dozen close friends at one of Charlotte's few decent Thai restaurants (Thai Taste). The little Thai people lit me up with Red Curry Crispy Duck (#6 heat on a scale from 1-5). My hair began sweating and I went into hallucinations. Why the Chinese place around the corner couldn't do that for me I'll never know.

Day one of the journey led me to my old friend Joe Scully's place in Asheville, The Corner Kitchen. Joe and I were at CIA around the same time, though we never met until years later. He returned after graduation and did a fellowship at the Institute. He worked for Mark Ericsson, CMC (Certified Master Chef) at Cherokee Town and Country Club outside of Atlanta where he and the Chef developed a company called Woodsmoke Provisions (and the country's best smoked salmon), and he served as Executive Chef at the United Nations building in NYC.

Today Chef Scully is co-owner of arguably the top restaurant in Asheville, NC where he changes the menu daily and feeds more people than he can seat. He fed me an Italian Cuban Sandwich with Joe's Veggie Chips and Pea Salad, and a nearly authentic Key Lime Pie (he's made a couple small liberties that add a little pizazz to the original).

The sandwich featured turkey, prosciutto, smoked mozzarella, chimichurri aioli, tomatoes, and arugula (sorry, no pickles on mine) layered between two pieces of foccacia and pressed on a hot grill. Perfect!

My server talked me into the pea salad. I knew it would have mayonnaise in it (another no-no for me) and I hesitated. Boy was I glad I went for it! Green peas that I'd swear were freshly shucked are tossed with sugar snaps, sour cream, red onion, and bacon...oh...and just a little mayo. What a simple and fabulous way to kick off spring!

I knew Joe's chips well. Remember Terra Chips, those overpriced crisps made from a variety of tropical root vegetables? Joe does the same thing, but his are made fresh a couple times a day. Sometimes you can get 'em still warm. Thin slices of roots like potato, plantain, and taro are slow fried in clean oil to make them light and crispy without darkening their color or adulterating their delicate flavors with too much caramelization.

I left The Corner Kitchen feeling so healthy, and it was great to see Joe. You should stop by an see him too next time you're in the NC mountains. You'll be glad you did. Tell him I sent you.

Next stop Memphis, home of barbecue and blues! Stop back soon to see what happened!

On A Personal Note

For a number of years I have done private/personal chef work either as a main job or as supplemental income. Back in the 90's I started doing this stuff with a buddy and colleague and we named our little business Professional Home Dining (PHD for short).

The whole thing kicked off with a high-end wine dinner for a guy here in Charlotte that had something to do with the Charlotte Hornets basketball team. Never figured out if he was a doctor, or a lawyer, or what he was.

I've had the opportunity to offer my services as an item for charity auctions. Those are always fun, and it's amazing how frenzied the bidders get about any chef at all.

In Phoenix I served as personal chef for the President/CEO of the Fender guitar company Bill Shultz and his wife Mary Jane. [I also groomed their little Bichon Frise, Molly].

I've had a lot of fun getting to know people over the years and serving their most candid culinary desires! In all of the free time I've had lately I've put a lot of effort into learning how to design a website...so I have one now! I'm about to embark on a new journey and a new chapter in my career (tell you more about that later), but I'll always be around to do private events, cooking lessons, demos, and professional consulting.

I finally finished my website and this is just a quick note to invite you along...

Professional Home Dining
(professionalhomedining.com)

See you there!

PS- Those plump, delicious looking Morels up top there were actually discovered and plucked from the ground by yours truly in the spring of 2006 at Beech Mountain, NC!

Star@ucked

"There's something happening here. What it is ain't exactly clear."
- Stephen Stills

Ever think about some of the food you loved as a kid, or even more recently? Ever wonder why you can't get it anymore? Me too.

Change is good--sometimes. But sometimes I don't get what people are thinking. I was just reminiscing about some of the fast food giants in America and the products they offered that made them what they were.

A few years ago (probably close to 20 now that I think about it) there was a a little fast-food restaurant named Frank-R-Furters that had a slogan, "What America needs is a good 19-cent hamburger." They had hamburgers for 19 cents, and cheeseburgers were something like a quarter. I stopped in and got a couple one day...and after consuming them with all the gusto of a hound dog I said to myself, "You know...what America needs is a GOOD 19-cent hamburger."

Frank-R-Furters didn't last. And there was another group that tried to cash in on the obvious success of the fast-food genre by offering a low-cost burger that was delivered via drive-thru with lightning speed. Can't remember their name, but I drove through one day and ordered a plain cheeseburger. I don't do vegetables or condiments (I know...weird), and when I say plain I mean PLAIN. A patty, slice of cheese, and two pieces of bread. That's all I'm looking for. So the voice on the other end of the speaker box say, "All of our burgers come with ketchup, mustard, and a pickle. We can't make them any other way. Would you like one of ours?"

No.

Seriously. Is it a surprise they didn't make it to Christmas that year?

Just last night I had the experience of a lifetime. I'm still scratching my head over this one.

I don't drink coffee like I used to, and frankly since the first Starbucks opened in my town in 1996 or so I was sucked in and seldom open my mind to anything else. I have often defended them to the opposition by stating that if anyone else was able to produce such a high quality product with such consistency they would be as successful as Starbucks too. I even worked for the caffeine magnate for a short time.

Through a series of events in early 2000 I cut out the regular stuff and only drink decaf now, and I stopped by an oft visited branch last night for a cup. After some confusion the cute little barista girl looked at me and I thought she was about to ask what I wanted. It was kind of weird because she took my friend's order and then went back to doing her cleaning tasks, having never said a word to me. She thought that I had already been helped, though it never occurred to her that I had walked in with the guy whose order she had just taken, and that she was the only one taking orders. How could she have...oh, nevermind.

Another barista walked up and I ordered a small decaf coffee. He rang me up, took my money, and then walked off. After a couple of minutes he came back and it occurred to him that no one was making my order. Must have been the perplexed expression on my face. So he says, "Oh, I thought she had already made your order, plus we don't make decaf after 12-noon. I can make you an Americano (espresso and hot water) or something else."

So when you took my money for the small decaf, what did you mean by that exactly?

"Can you make me an Americano for the same price as the regular cup of coffee?"

"I guess so."

"Because I would expect that"

"Well", he responded snottily, "It's not our policy, but I'll do it this time."

OK, let's review this deal here... You're Starbucks. You make and sell coffee. IT'S ALL YOU DO!

You make two kinds...regular and decaf. There is nothing else. Okay, yeah sure, there are some with milk, some with froth, some with chocolate, some with flavored syrups, some cold or even frozen...but essentially you make regular and decaffeinated COFFEE.

JUST DO THAT!

When did you decide that after 12 o'clock in the afternoon you would cut your product line in half, thereby forcing your loyal customers who drive out of their way to get to you, and don't want to drink a mug full of speed at bedtime, to pay more for being your customer? Why do you think that this is acceptable?

This is where it starts.

When I was younger Wendy's slogan was "Hot and Juicy". They had an ad campaign that implied that you had to have a huge stack of napkins to eat one of their burgers. California's Carl's Jr. revived this long deceased campaign with, "If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face." Of course, then they put Paris Hilton out there as one of the spokespeople for this concept...'nuff said.

When's the last time you ate at Wendy's? Was it either hot or juicy? Not mine. Why did they discontinue this line of marketing? Was it because they changed their products and they could no longer back up the claims? Or was it because our culture sickened to the point that the Hot & Juicy slogan began to be associated with little Wendy and not her daddy's delicious burgers?

They had a chicken sandwich that was incredible. Chicken Cordon Bleu. Nice, tender, moist, fried chicken breast with high quality thin-sliced ham, Swiss cheese (that melted onto the chicken), and a sauce made from Grey Poupon mustard. Man was that thing tasty. Can't get it anymore. Why?

They had a burger too that they threw on as a special from time to time. Couple patties on a soft cornmeal-dusted bun with grilled onions and cheddar cheese sauce. Might have had some bacon involved as well. Now that was a good burger, and it brought back the need for mucho napkins! Can't have that one today either. But then again, today no amount of bubbling liquid cheese would effectively counteract the powder dry squares of lukewarm ground meat on little Wendy's sagging buns.

When I was a kid I looked forward to getting a Yumbo from Burger King, and an Ice Br-Gr (burger). The Yumbo was simply a hot ham and cheese sandwich on a sesame seed bun. The ham was piled high and tender, and the cheese may have been that white American stuff, or maybe not, but it was a damned good sandwich for when you're just tired of burgers. The Ice Br-Gr was a little frozen juice dessert, kind of like a popsicle without a stick. I know they had grape and I don't remember what else, but it was yummy. All that was back when Burger King "flame broiled" everything. Today about the only time you see a flame at a Burger King is if you accidentally catch the cooks smoking crack out by the dumpster.

Church's Chicken used to have chicken legs the size of my arm. Oversized pieces of chicken were their trademark. Not anymore. Today Hooter's wings are bigger than Churches legs (though Church's breasts are real), and you have to ask for the jalapeno that they used to throw in whether you wanted it or not.

And there was a Holly Farms chicken place that invented those soft, spicy batter-dipped potato wedges that you can only get at low-end grocers and truck stops now. Damn those things were good.

Little Caesar's always had crappy pizza, but they used to have this sandwich called the Big Deal Veal. One of those little fried mystery-meat breaded veal patties was enrobed in pretty decent marinara and a slice of provolone, and then stuffed into a half of a pita pocket. I could down those suckers by the six pack on a Friday night during my high school daze. I still crave them today and I'm coming up on my 25th high school reunion.

When I lived in California the first time Carl's Jr. won me over with a Western Steak Sandwich that featured a grilled, chunked-and-formed (though you'd never know it) steak on a soft sub roll with bacon, barbecue sauce, cheese, and onion rings. I'd eat those things twice a day. And on the off days I'd get the Spicy Western Chicken Sandwich that combined a fried breast with Pepper Jack cheese and chunky bacon ranch sauce. Damn! Both delectables were gone when I returned 5 years later. Too bad Carl. Guess it's just In-N-Out for me now.

Now there's a burger place. Never been to In-N-Out? Don't know what to tell you. They have burgers, fries, milkshakes, and sodas. Nothing fancy. But for some reason they do it better than anyone else in the biz, though you have to head west to find out for yourself.

Dairy Queen used to have the best burgers--and ice cream too. Not anymore. I still crave the footlong cheese dogs that dad used to take me to get at Wiener King (long deceased). Cadbury Creme Eggs and Reese's Cups seem to get smaller every year, and I'd swear that Hershey's Kisses are made from different chocolate and that M&M's changed something in the flavoring of the candy shells.

I know it's tough. Being a chef and a 25 year veteran of the food business I am fully aware that customers are like fish. They troll around mindlessly until the next shiny thing passes catches their eye and they're gone. Human nature stuff. And just when you think you've got it all figured out, the rules change

You know who hasn't changed? Two places... McDonalds and a handful of Greek owned neighborhood grills and "greasy spoons" in town. Two in particular in my town, Zack's and Mr. K's, have been going since before I was born, and they have the same size of the same burger that they've been making since their inception. That's why I keep going back. The original owners of both are still alive, but their kids run the businesses. I'm on a first name basis with them, and it saddens me to see some new concepts coming in and stealing their customers.

Every town has at least one. My all-time favorite is actually in Spartanburg, SC--The Beacon Drive-In. I've written about them before. They ain't changed nothin' in 60 years!

And Mickey D's? The same old phrase, "It ain't great, but it's always the same. You know what you're gonna get". That's why they're the most successful business in the history of food. Always will be.

Why can't everyone else just get that?

No More Loafin' Around

Ya know that bread you get at restaurants that's so good that you can't stop eating it? You gorge yourself on it. You were hungry when you got there and you asked for some bread right away just to soothe the pangs.

The waiter brings the bread. It's warm and fresh. Steam rises out of the basket. You pick up a slice, slather it with too much butter and take a bite. A little mound of butter slides off the side of the slice as if it were surfing down a melted golden wave that didn't soak in fast enough.

Your eyes close and you sigh to yourself as the planet stops spinning and time stands still. All is silent in the world, and for a moment you are sensuously in touch with nothing but the deep, yeasty saveur -- the crunch of the crust, the slight chew of the crumb, and the briny creaminess of the butter that's sumptuously melting off of your bottom lip.

That's what I did tonight for dinner, and I never left home! I finally achieved bread.

This was the best bread I've ever had in my life and I made it myself with nothing but all-purpose flour, water, salt, a tiny bit of yeast, and no kneading whatsoever. Unbelievable!

I made the dough last night before I went to bed. Must've been around midnight or so. I left it out on the counter at room temperature. When I looked at it again it was nearly 1:00 pm, 13 hours later. It was starting to look like bread! It had nearly doubled, but I wanted to make sure that it picked up every nuance of excellence that it could. After all, I've been working on this project for nearly two weeks.

About 4:30 this afternoon I pulled the soft, bubbly, living mass onto a flour drenched towel, shaped it into an elongated loaf, and let it sit for another two hours. It doubled again.

Following Jim Lahey's directions I placed a heavy walled Dutch oven and lid in to the oven for 30 minutes at 450 degrees F. Once the pan was hot I carefully (but not gracefully) lobbed the flour covered loaf into it, placed the cover on, and shoved it in for 20 minutes.

The hot covered container serves a couple of purposes.

The secret to amazing crust is steam. Commercial bakeries that produce high quality European style breads often have ovens that automatically inject steam for the first half of the baking period. Without it you cannot develop good crust.

The enclosed blazing hot space of the Dutch oven holds in moisture from the dough and simulates the effect of the steam oven.

The bottom and sides of the Dutch oven are so hot that the dough doesn't stick at all. The other incredible benefit of this process is that the searing hot surface duplicates the bottom of a brick oven for that old world taste and texture that is equally difficult to duplicate without the proper equipment. Plus, you get what some call "burnt" but quality bakers call "French sunshine" (you want this on this kind of bread).

The result of the whole process is a rustic looking loaf (maybe a little too rustic on this first attempt) with rich crackling crust, large chewy crumb with big holes, and a depth of flavor that cannot be described in words.

The best part -- anybody that can operate a measuring spoon can make bread just like this.

We paired the bread with some awesome barbecued chicken, some perfectly cooked haricot vert in a light mustard and shallot sauce, and capped it off with a dish of Mom's famous southern peach cobbler a la mode.

Daddy always said that, "Few black women and no white folks at all make peach pie like your mama." He was right about that...and I suspect he would've approved equally of the bread.

An hour or so after the cobbler dissipated I went after a couple more slices with some honey! I can hardly wait 'til breakfast.

(Unkle Chef is making some home cured bacon with some kickin' naturally raised pork belly from up the road a'piece. Check back next week for a collaborative BLT!)

When Life Gives You Lemons...

I made a comment a couple posts ago about how people have been making bread since the beginning of time, so it can't possibly be too difficult.

Well, as it turns out...two weeks into my research on sourdough I haven't produced the first crumb of anything you could call "bread". I have nearly as many different starters as Heinz has sauces (kidding), and I can't even make a cupcake.

Tell you what I did make though...

The current recession that has caused me (and a bunch of other folks) to be out of work going on three months has brought up a renewed interest in beans. Tonight I made a bangin' pot of chili with a leftover Latin-flavored pork tenderloin, some black beans, a can of Ro*tel spicy diced tomatoes, and a couple of chipotles. And, I quickly threw together what I shall call Sourdough Corn Blini.

They're too bread-like to be a johnnycake, too light to be called bread, too thin to be a muffin, too thick to be a pancake, and they are partially yeast-raised. Thus, blini.

Here's the recipe:

1/2 cup Sourdough Starter
1/2 cup Flour
1/2 cup Cornmeal (we use white cornmeal in my part of the south)
1/2 cup Milk
1 Egg
1/2 tsp Kosher Salt
1 tsp Sugar
1-1/2 tsp Baking Powder

Mix all ingredients together to make a smooth, thick batter. Let set for 1 hour at room temperature or overnight in the fridge.

Heat up a griddle or skillet to medium heat, coat with melted butter, and spoon batter onto the surface like you're making pancakes. You can make them any size you'd like. Mine were nearly 3 inches across when they were done.

They should cook fairly slow, as they will rise to about 3/8" thick, and you want to be sure they cook through. Mine took about 3 minutes per side. If they're cooking too fast then turn the heat down a bit. They're best served right away!

These blini were just awesome with the chili I made. They were fairly light and fluffy with a slight sweetness and just enough cornmeal profile to make them taste "different", but not enough to make them taste like cornbread (which I don't care for). I had the last couple with some butter and some blueberry preserves that a friend had given me.

I thought that these things were so quick, easy, tasty, and neutral that they would be good with jalapenos and cheese folded in, maybe some chopped bacon and shallots, or even on the sweet side with some blueberries folded in. I might prefer dried blueberries to fresh, or even another dried fruit like cranberries or cherries!

Back to sourdough... I made this great video of the breadmaking process to share with you, but when the dough hadn't risen but about 10% in 16 hours I decided to pitch it and not waste your time with the video.

What I have done is gone to the Sullivan Street Bakery site and put together Jim's recipe for No-Knead Bread. This is what I was shooting for to begin with, but was using a modification to allow for sourdough starter instead of yeast.

Go to his site and check out the recipe. If I end up with bread tomorrow I'll let you know.

Damn, I'm starting to feel like I've spent 25 years of my life to get to the point where I know nothing. Maybe that's not a bad thing.

Cheers!

PETA Bred?

WARNING

EXPLICIT LANGUAGE

If this guy doesn't offend you then keep reading...

I have sooo had enough of PETA. Seriously. Who in the fuck are these people? If you're just tuning in, it's People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

I totally get not clubbing baby seals. They're amazingly cute. They can't have much meat on them, and who would want a seal fur coat?

I used to live near the California coast and would often drive to a beach where you can view literally hundreds of elephant seals sunbathing. I dig the seals. There was another beach I frequented where it was not uncommon to see seals and otters playing and feeding in the surf just a few yards away from me. Cool!

But, I can also tell you that I knew some restaurateurs at Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco that loved seals like most people love pigeons or roaches. The place is overrun with the damned things. They're noisy and they make a mess. Tourists don't know any better - they think they're cute and they feed them constantly. They're like stray cats and raccoons. You can't get rid of 'em.

Honestly though, I've always lived in urban America where we have an absolute excess of everything a human being could possibly want. I've never wanted for anything and have at times been embarrassed in certain company over how fortunate we are as a culture. But what about cultures that aren't as fortunate as we are (which is most of the world)?

Have you ever seen a row of tomato plants and an igloo in the same picture? In all the photos and video footage you've seen over the years of Mt. Everest and the Himalayas how many gardens have you seen? How many vegetables have you seen growing out of those rocks and glaciers? How about west Texas, southern Arizona, New Mexico, the California High Desert, and the Sonoran Desert of northern Mexico. Ever been there? How many cacti and dried chilis do you think you could eat?

Do you know why people in Southeast Asia and remote Africa eat bugs? Because they have to. So, If I was starving and the only thing I could see for miles was snow, ice, and a baby seal I would beat that little bastard silly!

I suppose that it's okay that whaling is illegal in the U.S. Not sure I'd want to eat a whale. And I don't hunt because a) I could never shoot an unarmed animal. I love animals. And b) I don't eat game. But here's the thing. God made certain animals specifically so humans could eat them! Read the book! It's in there. Start at Genesis and make your way through to the New Testament. We're supposed to have complete and total mastery and control over animals, and WE'RE SUPPOSED TO EAT THEM!

In fact, here's how important this was to God (years before PETA); Noah was to take one pair of each and every land animal onto the ark, but he was instructed to take 7 pairs of each animal that had been designated by God for eating (they're listed later on in the book).

PETA even has a site devoted to proving that God and Jesus intended us to be veg-heads. Okay, but if you want to take the bible literally let's go back to the old testament where for a couple thousand years animals were senselessly sacrificed on a daily basis (in the church even) to please God and to atone oneself for one's sins and indiscretions.

Um...ever heard of "loaves and fishes"?

Here's the newest. According to PETA we're supposed to refer to fish as "sea kittens". We're supposed to stop eating fish. We're supposed to stop fishing, or "hunting sea kittens". Seriously? Adopt a fish? Give a fish new hope? There's even a little activity page where you can design your own sea kitten. There's little sea kitten clothes, and little sea kitten sunglasses...I wish they had a little sea kitten machine gun.

Give me a fucking break!

PETA suggests that by switching to a vegetarian lifestyle "you can save more than 100 animals a year". Alright, let's do the math.

Let's say that the 300 million people in our country stop eating animals tomorrow. By the beginning of February 2010 there will be more than an additional 30 billion animals roaming, shitting, and breeding in the United States alone.

Where should we put them? Are they to roam the streets like the anemic cows do in India? Ever seen one of these cows in the National Geographic. They're poverty stricken and malnourished too. If Indians would get over the idea that cows are their long passed relatives and start slaughtering them for food, the largest population of starving people on the planet would be instantly well fed! Problem solved!

What would happen if we as a species stopped eating all animals for 10, 20, 30 years? Ever think about that? There's no birth control being practiced out there where the buffalo roam. Who do you think would be in charge of the world then?

PETA has a page devoted to saving chickens across America from a poor upbringing. The page is titled Kentucky Fried Cruelty. On the homepage Pamela Anderson (whore) is all dolled up (like a whore) in a video touting a ban on KFC. As far as I can tell she keeps her clothes on and her legs together in this video. Maybe she's pissed off because all the hormones are causing the birds' breasts to plump up bigger than hers (rubber and salt water).

She is joined on her Crusade of Stupidity by numerous other celebrities including Tommy Lee (Pam's ex john and porn partner), Richard Pryor (dead for 4 years now), the Dalai Lama (vegetarian, moot point), and Rev. Al Sharpton (need I say more?).

You wanna attack the slaughterhouses, feed lots, and poultry farms? Fine. Do it. Do it because they could do a better job, and because humans will benefit in the long run by having tastier and more nutritious food. There's a huge trend right now in holistic farming. Follow that, but don't tell me I shouldn't eat meat.

Altogether PETA has 66 different websites that specialize in a different angle to carry their message. Really...SIXTY-SIX! You can go here and count for yourself. Do you know of any company or organization that has (or needs) sixty-six websites to carry their message?

Here's one of the better ones...www.milksucks.com.

First line on the page:

"Have some … pus with your cookies? If you down a glass of cow’s milk, you will. It may be white, but researchers say that every cupful contains somatic cells, i.e., pus."


Jesus! So we're just supposed to drink water, juice, and soy-goddamn-milk, and eat roots, stalks, and leaves?

Comedian Ron White said it best I think:
"I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots."

Here's a website for ya -- how about www.peta-sucks.com.

What brought all this on?

PETA had a commercial set for the 2009 Super Bowl promoting vegetarianism, but it got banned. It featured attractive, lingerie clad women using vegetables in provocative ways, with the tag line, "Vegetarians have better sex." They proudly make it available on their website here, along with their sarcastic rebuttal to NBC for rejecting the spot.

Their campaign is based on the concept (stated as a fact) that vegetarians make better lovers. Let me tell you something -- first of all the models they used for their commercial are not likely vegetarians. Second of all, I've dated a couple vegetarians. Great lovers they weren't. Something about being "meat shy" if you get my drift.

I wish I had a nickel for every customer I've cooked for that had special needs because they were vegetarians. "I can eat eggs, dairy, and fish." Guess what? Fish and cheese ain't vegetables. Eggs are chicken! And true vegans - another planet altogether. Hey, I'm not knocking it really. God knows my diet shouldn't support life at all. I can't remember the last time I ate a vegetable. All I'm asking for is the right to meals without persecution.

They've even got a cookbook..."Cooking With PETA". How about "Cooking With Pets"? Okay, listen...I love animals. I love my dog and have kept fish, snails, snakes, ferrets, turtles, rabbits, cats, birds, lizards, toads, and even a praying mantis once I think. I never ate one of them. And I believe strongly in adopting pets, closing down "puppy mills", spaying and neutering, rescuing injured or abandoned animals, and keeping pets indoors as much as possible. Pets are to be loved -- not eaten and not to be used as lawn accessories.

But God meant damn well for me to eat steaks, bacon, and cheeseburgers. He meant for ice cold milk from a cow to go with warm cookies. I love the AFLAC duck, but not as much as a steaming bowl of crispy Thai red curry duck. AFLAC this! And while Babe is one of my favorite movies, I rarely turn down an opportunity to eat a pig.

Sea Kittens? Fuck You!